If Not Now, Then When?
“If not now, then when?”
This question lingers in the back of my mind as I navigate a life I didn’t quite expect, yet one that is very much my own. Becoming a mom was something I never imagined for myself. On top of that, being the spouse of a medical resident has added layers of complexity to my sense of identity. For a long time, I wasn’t chasing big dreams or building a grand vision of my future—I was just trying to live day to day, figuring out what my own path should look like. And to be honest, I’m still figuring it out.
I never really saw myself as someone who needed to have it all planned out. I didn’t have huge aspirations for a particular career or life path. Instead, I was simply living for myself, finding my way one step at a time. Then life threw a curveball—motherhood—and suddenly, everything felt like it had to be redefined. At the same time, my partner’s medical residency took center stage, and I found myself making sacrifices I didn’t even realize would be required.
Moving far from family, being left to navigate life with my child while my spouse works long hours, and constantly feeling like my own needs are getting lost in the shuffle—it’s easy to see how I could start feeling like I wasn’t living for myself anymore. In those moments, I wondered when I’d finally get the chance to focus on who I was outside of these roles. When would I figure out what truly mattered to me?
For me, the idea of “if not now, then when?” isn’t about chasing massive dreams. It’s more about making space for myself and my own identity, even when life feels overwhelming. I’ve realized that waiting for things to calm down—waiting for a time when I’m not juggling so many responsibilities—might never happen. Residency is long and motherhood is relentless. But that doesn’t mean I have to lose myself in the process.
It’s about finding small moments to focus on who I am beyond being a mom and a resident’s spouse. I’ve learned that I don’t need to have some grand plan for my future. I just need to honor my own journey of self-discovery, piece by piece. Some days that might look like getting back into a fitness routine for the sake of my own health. Other days, it might be carving out time to explore personal interests or simply giving myself permission to breathe.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t need to have it all figured out. And I don’t need to wait for the perfect time to start focusing on myself. If I keep waiting for life to slow down, I’ll miss the chance to build something real for myself—an identity that’s more than just the roles I play in the lives of others.
So here I am, embracing the idea that now is the time. Not to pursue big dreams, but to pursue me. To live for myself in the small, meaningful ways that matter. To acknowledge that my identity is still evolving and that’s perfectly okay. I’m no longer waiting for life to present the “right” moment; I’m creating it.
If not now, then when? When will I choose to stop feeling guilty for wanting something of my own, and instead, embrace the process of figuring out who I am? The truth is, I can start now, even in the chaos. I don’t have to have a perfect plan. I just have to take small steps toward living a life that feels authentic to me.
Take Home Message
To anyone else feeling like their identity has been buried beneath life’s demands—whether it’s the challenges of parenthood, the sacrifices made for a partner’s career, or the uncertainty of figuring out who you are—this is your reminder that it’s okay to prioritize yourself. You don’t need all the answers right now. You just need to start. The time is now.